Dusk or Dawn ?

I know not if the night is falling. I know not if the imminent darkness is going to cloud four years of the wonderful times spent in college. A lot seems to have changed. A lot.

Strangers have come closer. They have wounded the heart and healed it too. The close ones have drifted apart. Some have stayed at the same distance.
The surroundings seem alien, yet the faint smell, the flavour of youth and innocence intoxicates the soul. The emotions form such an eclectic union that they refuse to come out when needed most. Words fail and the smiles stop to conceal the immense internal grief.

The transition from immature to mature, the transition from child to a woman, the transition from innocence to wisdom. Is this what happens, when one breaks the cocoon. I wonder if it has been for the good or for the worse.

How True is True

This is the third time that I have logged in to my blogger account to write something that I have been fuming about. And why the third time, you may ask ladies and gentleman...Oh I forgot I have no audience to address except me.This is no oration that I am so quite used to giving.

In plain simple terms, my experiment is up and running in the next room and I finally seem to have found one nice working nanotube.Well, these tubes are tiny little things one might ask, how can they be such a problem? For those who know me, these tiny tubes are a pain just like me.

I was and still am a lover.A lover of the mystic beauty of quantum mechanics and the philosophies associated it with it.Surprisingly, till quite recently I was of the belief that this beloved of mine existed in some weird space, intangible and imaginary.But then, eureka and I found that my beloved was for real.These tiny little nanotubes jumped and frisked, gave random signals and demonstrated the power of quantum behavior. Why am I talking about this and how the hell it is related to the "so-called" truth is as mysterious to me as it is to someone who is quite jobless to read my stuff.

Anyways I must mention for reasons unknown to me again, that I am known to be flirtatious, renowned to have started long serious affairs and then dumped all of them, right when things started to peak.For instance, in the first year of my undergrad I was truly, madly, deeply in looooove with Mechanical Engineering.In fact I wrote quite a "personified" poem demonstrating my love which went like...Oh the engines and the rams, I love you to the core,Oh the bearings and the gears,I love you even more...blah blah blah. And then right into my second year of undergrad, every friend on earth knew that I was married. Married? Oh yes, I used to go... Electrical Engineering...That's my soul mate.Oh what pleases you, my friends quired... Power ... It's got power I would say... and that's all I wanted to do ... build giant power systems...did I even know what it meant?

Oh and when I came to JNCASR... my loooooove was device fabrication.Not quite surprisingly I have betrayed my dear friend and started a new dynamic relationship with device characterization and modeling.The reason for this new found friendship is quite selfish (sigh, once again). I intend to seek the love of my friend's best friend... the theoretical and computational science of course. (God,I am a bitch).

Is there a GOD? Let us even simplify the question? My lovers... are they for real? UMmmm Real... yeah... they exist in flesh and blood... perfect and chaste?

NOW WE COME TO THE POINT. HAMMERED AND NAILED...

HOW TRUE IS TRUE ?

What I see as blue might be green for you

(Reference for the above statement can not be given)Not because I am a plagiarist or something.(I HATE LAIRS AND CHEATERS)I can't remember where it comes from.I heard it in a talk last night.

TALK... Interesting... I gave a talk too... Two Days back.

It was quite a debate.A battle actually.The intention of each side was to fight for the rule of LEEC. Which God Damned country is that? Yeah...Yeah I know I resent it.Anyways, LEEC stands for LIGHT( Really ?)Emitting Electrochemical Cells.The fierce battle, a part of which I can narrate was between Alan J Heeger (my academic great grandfather and the GOD of Organic semiconductors... I must give some respect,he happens to be the Nobel Prize Winner), who lead the electrochemical army and George G. Malliras(another giant in the field, who lead the soldiers of electro dynamism).
The battle field was NATURE MATERIALS, March 2008, and both the sides valiantly fought with microscopy images and potential-electric field distribution profiles.

I have lost my point here...anyways

JOURNALS,PAPERS,PEOPLE,EXPERIMENTS,THEORIES,OBSERVATIONS...

NOTHING can be believed you see.NOTHING CAN BE TRUSTED TILL U SEE IT.BUT WHAT I SEE MIGHT NOT BE SEEN BY U and vice versa, OR IF SEEN BY BOTH TODAY MIGHT NOT BE SEEN TOMORROW.

My very Educated mother just showed us nine planets ??????? When was that.

THE TRUTH IS AS TRUE AS THERE IS ANY ETHER FILLING THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE.

AMEN ???

voice

There is this small , feeble voice inside me , that refuses to subjugate it self to any kind of authority. This voice refuses to accept the way things are,the way things are portrayed to be, the way its master drags its feet into oblivion. Truth , truth is what the voice seeks to find. Purpose is what the voice wants .

In spite of being in one of the nation's top research institute , I do not comprehend why , I feel that something's amiss. I have tried enough , I have tried for years , to kill this voice inside me that asks me, who am I , what is my purpose , why do I live and why do I die... and every moment it makes me feel so ordinary and miserable. Every time , it makes me feel like I have no entity , no existence and yet the very question the voice raises is about the existence of everything that seems to exist about and around me. And even though I try to find the answer , I fail . I try to drown this voice in the vortex of a thousand senseless thoughts . I try to entrap it in some deep , dark corner and then throw it in some desolate place. Yet , annoyingly , it returns back to haunt me to death. But even death does not kill.

I seek consolation in work . I seek consolation in friends and family .

I wish , I really knew how to take this voice out.

A Punjabi wedding

Unlike the common misconception that punjabi marriages are a show of wealth and splendor , they form a unique, life long string of moments where each tradition is followed, each individual... however related to the family takes part , and each side (bride or the groom) gets to make fun of the other side. A week before the wedding, both the sides organize a "Ramayan Patth", intended to bring the family together and share words of wisdom. This is followed by "ladies sangeet", where the female members of the house, sing folk songs , called "suhag" on the bride's side and "godhi" on the groom's side.The songs are usually satirical in nature ,one such example being.... " meri saas ne kamade vande, mere hise aayi tati" !!! , which translates into "on my arrival, my mother- in- law distributed rooms in the house , and I was given the toilet !!!". On the morning of the wedding day,a ceremony called "chudi" , is organised , where in, the brothers of the bride's mother ,gift red and white coloured bangles , along with a toe-ring to the bride .She is bound to wear the bangles for a period of 40 days.This ceremony is preceded by"shaggan", where both the sides share gifts with each other. In the evening, the "baarat" is welcomed by the bride's sisters.During this period , the male members of the family, for example, father of the groom with the father of the bride, brother of the groom with the brother of the bride ... so on and so forth , meet and hug each other.This tradition is called "milni". After the welcome of the "baarat", the bride walks down the aisle accompanied by her sisters and seats herself along the groom. The "Var mala" is followed by dinner and dance. In the early hours of morning, the bride and the groom take the solemn oath, under the holy fire, to remain together... always. This ceremony, called "fere" is the formal declaration of marriage. After this and a lot of fan-fare , the bride's sisters return the shoes of the groom, stolen previously, in exchange for money called"shaagan", and gold ringscalled "klichdi" . The groom then is asked to sing a few words for his mother and sisters in law.
Finally the "baarat" departs for home with the bride, leaving her family in tears.
The next day the "bride" now a wife, visits her own family, along with her husband for a short duration.

Am I cheating myself?

On the night of 31st of Dec 2006, I just finished reading Anne Frank's Diary.It was quite a coincidence since Saddam Hussain was executed the previous day.I felt remorse envoloping my interiors.Yes, for the death of millions of jews masterminded by Hitler, and also for the death of Saddam Husssain , who was responsible for the death of 148 Shia Muslims. Somehow , these deaths troubled and disturbed me more than the death of my cousin brother ,three months back, who lost his life at the young age of 20 , because of kidney failure.I could not fathom how one human being could steal the life of somebody else.

Strangely, I found the answer to my question in my own self, or rather made me ask a thousand more questions to myself.

I profess love, I want to help the underpriveleged children,I talk of peace. I cheat myself.If I so want to bridge the divison, why does the sight of a ragged sweeper fill me with disgust?If I so want to love others , why do I cringe at the very mention of the name of some of my peers. If I so loudly talk of the injustice done to the animals used for testing in the labs, why do I relish the chicken curry my mom makes?

On Christmas eve,I happened to go to the shopping mall with a couple of friends.If there is anything I could notice, it was the truth in the phrase ,that the rich get richer, and the poor get poorer.I wondered how we let our senses control our brain , not vice versa.The sight of flashy jewels, expensive clothes,the splendor of Pizza Hut,(not the joy of taste, cause my mom cooks better) seems to be so overwhelming, so attractive that we end up spending the entire salary on such trivial things, things that hardly last a moment.When 60 percent of the population strives to meet both ends, when millions do not even get to eat a decent meal on a festival night,when hundreds of orphans living in destitute homes find nobody to love them , how could we be so insensitive.I was going through a couple of NGO websites. I found a wonderful scheme to help, by an organisation named SOS.You could contribute Rs 250 a month, help educate a child, interact with him/her and track his/her progress. It sounded lovely.It was the cost of one pizza , Treat for Two , only , that this time it really was a treat for two , you and the young child.

All it takes, is a realisation, a realsiation by every being.The disorder in the world, the unmanaged traffic on the road, the loud voices , the gun shots, everything is a result of the combined entropy of our minds.
Only, if everybody could learn to love everybody else.

Sigh.... once again I am cheating myself.Only if I could learn to love everybody else.

Why the mad chase??

In our maniacal rush for success, which we assume will give us happines, we actully forget that every moment is happy, provided we recognise the happiness.Attitude does not bring success....Attitude is success!!!
Any day could be the last day of our lives.Why die in regret.I guess the purpose of our life should be to learn everything possible, learn about people,history,science,arts..... and spread the love and happiness to as many people as we can.There are a million children who do not even get to complete their primary school.The craze for marks at the school-college level has been supplanted by the craze for small bits of paper they call money.I was talking to a doctor at my mom-dad's wedding anniversary.He talked about the rise in stress levels that lead to fatal cardiac arrests. Almost 80% take some kind of pills.. Blood pressure, diabetes etc before sleeping.And after a person's death, there are so many arguments , litigations and sometimes murder , in a mad craze f or money.
Imagine the pathetic condition we have forced ourselves to be in.A person can not sleep.A person can not rest in peace. It is not that today the world, the external pressure has lead to stressful lives.It is we ourselves, our attitude, that has brought stress into our lives.
As you travel in train, you come across so may people on stations, children begging, people with disfigured limbs , naked children picking up rags.Out of frustation and sheer disgust, we give them a 2 rupee change.It is just our luck.Probably, in our previous birth we were among them, who knows.it is just a chance.Our existence is a one in infinity possibility. There our a billion people in this world... Our parents could have been any two in this one billion but why are our parents our parents? ... out of a million points, the genes chose to cross at one point to give us our individuality. they could have chosen any random point.
We compare ourselves to our friends, our peers, each one wanting to be the best.But being the best is like a local maxima.Infact, any maxima or minima , on this curve of earth , is a local maxima or minima , not global.Further more, there is not one curve , there are an infinite number of curves that fill the space.Also, the space itself is infinite.
If we crave for happinees and success, we must realise that Bill Gates or Steve Jobs George Bush are not the people who are successful.Each one , each human being is successful, because they are living the wonderful dream called life....

Alice in Wonderland

I feel like 'Alice in Wonderland',and I think that precisely describes my fairyland description of 'JNCASR'. I feel like a kid lost in wonder and amazement,not to leave out the hiccups of intimidation as I take every step and open every closet, unaware of the hidden truths,unaware of what will meet me next.The paintings on the walls welcome you in humble embracement and then smile with innocence and the pride of the novel artist.Meanwhile, I put together the jig saw pieces of my dream to realise that is where I always wanted to be.